here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
