He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
