Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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