She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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