I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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