even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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