i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
