I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
