Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
