i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
