i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
