In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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