Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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