obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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