When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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