fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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