i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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