I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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