Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
