Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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