explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
