We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
