I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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