he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize