I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
