So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
