you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
