if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I touched a dick in church today
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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