He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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