Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
