The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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