Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You need a sexual gate keeper
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
