Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
