the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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