so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have fence marks all over my body
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
