Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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