well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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