She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
