I think I won the penis lottery.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
