my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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