i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
