i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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