My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
