Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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