Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
