At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
