Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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