All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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