I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Randomize
