you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
