so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
