I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
