I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
