Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
