your parents love me but you hate me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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