I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
