I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
dude. I can hear the air.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
