I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
