dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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