I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
