Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
