I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
