batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I believe in your delicious
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
