I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my liver is dry heaving
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
