You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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