I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
