dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
