i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
