3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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