There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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