PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
