Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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